Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Even More Fracts For 2016

Fracts for 2016

#00000021 
Although Donald Trump has five toes on both feet, on his left foot, he has 6 toenails.

#000000022
L Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, at age 17 was the oldest person ever to participate in the White House Easter Egg Hunt. He found one egg.

#00000023
Three-legged race, considered a major sport in the Marshall Islands, may be added to the Summer Olympics.

#00000024
 If you stare at a blank web page, you can see the logo of the Trilateral Commission, along with the underlying copyright.

#00000025
A farmer in Northern Ireland claims to have a chicken that can sing like Mariah Carey.

#00000026
Fleetwood Mac has an in-progress album project which is expected to be completed in early to mid 2034.

#00000027
The number eleven, long thought to be a prime, is actually divisible by fivenahalf, a previously unknown integer. Nostradamus predicted this discovery.

#00000028
Chimpanzees in the wild are excellent swimmers and by instinct, use the backstroke.

#00000029
President Grover Cleveland was an accomplished ventriloquist and could recite the Preamble to the Constitution without any perceptible lip movement.

#00000030
It turns out, anyone can play guitar if you just try.

#00000031
The best way to remove coffee stains on a shirt is the chew 3 garlic cloves, a sardine (packed in oil), 2 low sodium Fritos, a strawberry, and a teaspoon of dill weed, then spit the resulting mix into a hole in the backyard. The coffee stains mysteriously disappear in time.

#00000032
99.99127% of all Americans can't think of what they came into the kitchen for.

#00000033
"Why" is more commonly asked than "how".

#00000034
An angel fish in the aquarium at Min's Chinese Diner in Cottonwood Falls, Kansas, has correctly predicted the outcome of the NCAA basketball tournament since 1953. 

#00000035
The Tooth Fairy is an invention of the International Monetary Fund.

#00000036
The "Clean Plate Club" is bigger than anyone knows.

#00000037
Secret tests conducted at the International Space Station, show that balsa wood in outer space has the same tensile strength as titanium steel.





Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Fracts for 2015

#000000013

Wall Street brokers have the moral high ground.

#000000014

The outcome of profession wrestling matches is predetermined... or maybe not.

#000000015

A chicken which is fed a diet of fish meal will grow gills.

#000000016

The Kinks were originally Petula Clark's backup band.

#000000017

Dave Brubeck's "Take Five" is actually in 4/4 time and it's an auditory illusion that causes us to hear it as 5/4.

#000000018

An Ohio man can hold 40 golf balls in his mouth simultaneously.

#000000019

The New York Times Sunday Crossword is part of a secret government program to make all Americans feel stupid, and therefore more easily manipulated.

#000000020

Aaugggaug, a language spoken only by the natives of Uuuaoagi, in the Midway Islands, uses only the vowels, A E I O U, and the letter G, which is pronounced phonetically, "HKGH".

#000000021

The "Brain Stomps" computer virus is planted when a user views illegally posted episodes of the The Simpsons.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

More fracts (broken facts)

#00000005
FEMA started the wildfiles and the evacuation is part of a plan to relocate all Texans to reeducation camps in the Catskills.

#000000006
Michelle Bachmann... 'nuff said.

#000000007
Bottled water contains nanobots which will allow New World Order to remotely manage our minds.

#000000008
Big business has our interest at heart.

#000000009
Vice President Joe Biden's briefly turned into a lizard during his Labor Day speech.

#000000010
Archeologist recently unearthed an ancient Egyptian calendar which ends on April 13, 1959. Scientists unanimously agree that the Egyptians had advanced knowledge and that the world ended over 52 years ago.

#000000011
Recent double-blind laboratory tests have proved that social conservatives cannot smell the chemical that makes urine smell after eating asparagus.

#000000012
The Obama administration has issued a directive that will require a license to ride horses across US highways.

My first Lies

#00000001
The x-ray machines at the airport not only show your naked bones -- they also perform a complete brain scan and enter your unique pattern in a global database. --unreliable source

#00000002
The word "liberal" is an anagram of the renaissance Italian word, "brellia", which translates to "plan for world domination." --unnamed, unreliable source

#00000003
The "reflectors" along the center stripes of the interstate are actually tracking devices. They record signals transmitted by your vehicle's computer chips and record your itinerary in a global database administered by Interpol. -- anonymous

#00000004
The CIA records and analyzes all Facebook posts. -- astute blog reader

The Truth -- as We Know It

Several years ago, I wrote a song called "The Truth (As We Know It)". I'm never sure others really understand the intent of my lyrics... or really, even listen to them. I think these lyrics pretty much express what I'd like to post on this site... absolute bull spun as the truth. So, one more time for the record, here's the lyrics to "The Truth..."

Verse:
My mother came from Venus, my dad's from beyond the stars
He was appointed by the President as Ambassador to Mars
My brother married Madonna after only just two dates
My sister owns the internet... well, her and Mr. Gates

Chorus:
And that's the Truth, as we know it
If there's money in the pickin' then someone is gonna sow it
It the Truth as I live and die
But don't quote me and don't print it
I'll just swear that it's a lie

Verse:
Back when I was younger, I taught Bob Wills to play
I wrote a song called "Faded Love", but I gave the rights away
Made up a dance they call the Two Step, showed Sinatra how to sing
Gave Django his first geetar, then taught Basie how to swing...

Chorus:

Verse:
Then when I wrote the Bible and was wrapped up in the edit
I made the first electric light, but old Edison took the credit
Just like he did for talking pictures and you might have seen this one coming
One more time for the record, "I did not have sex with that woman."

(NOTE: I also done these last two lines live...
Just like he did for talking pictures and ain't this a pig in a poke...
These days they never lie, they just "misspoke"

By the way, this tune originally appeared on TwangFest's "Edges of the Postcard 4" compilation, and later on TwangBrand's "Hand Picked" compilation. It was recorded in my living room by myself, T Jarrod Bonta, Boomer Norman, Lee Potter, and Scott Esbeck.